Beneath
the
Fight
A therapist-guided road map to understand what's happening beneath the fight, regulate your reactions, and rebuild connection and emotional safety.
An in-depth digital guidebook designed to help you not just understand your conflicts, but to be able to respond from a more secure place.
Does the same fight keep you stuck?
Stop the pattern that is taking over your relationship, and discover exactly how your relationship can go from never ending conflict to actually feeling close again. Straight forward relationship education tools and a self-paced course to guide you the next time conflict comes your way.
Why Beneath the Fight is Different
This isn't your classic communication resource.
It is an in depth-workbook that teaches, guides, explores, and uses practical examples on how to get to know yourself in a deep way beneath the fight.
Most programs teach you how to communicate.
This workbook helps you to understand why your nervous system keeps doing the same old thing in these moments, and gives you an ability to try and find true emotional safety instead.
Beneath the Fight includes:
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Not just labeling unproductive ways to communicate, but understanding yourself and your partner
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Ways to slow down the typical pattern and find an ability to regulate yourself
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An in depth example of a fictitious couple (Nate and Laura) to not just describe the concepts, but to show you what these "therapist-y" words actually mean
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Specific exercises where you can dive deep within yourself and say with confidence:
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"I have put in the emotional work to understand my side of our pattern, and now I have more of an ability to communicate it too"
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A sheet where you can not just fill it out to forget about it, but something you can pull out in the middle of a fight and practice vulnerability and accountability
Meet Luke Jackson, LPC
I have gone through years of training and experience to work with couples that are the most stuck.
I'm not that type of counselor who just gives their clients canned theories like "I statements" and take my hands off the wheel saying, "Okay, good luck with that!"
No, I'm the type of counselor who every week I am in the thick of the pain, helplessness, and hopelessness that SO many relationships are dealing with.
Because of how I work, it was really hard to create a self-paced relationship education workbook.
If it were up to me, I'd be sitting with you and really joining you in your pain.
There's only one of me though.
So for almost a year I've been working on a really special and unique tool anyone can use to apply the same concepts I use with people in my therapy room to themselves.
I literally utilize this stuff in my own relationship.
If I had this workbook when I first got married...Wow it would have made a difference.
No matter if you've been married for 30 years or 30 days, this resource is for you.
The Harder You Try, The Worse It Gets
I have seen hundreds of couples over the years, and what I have found is that when a relationship has chronic conflict it begins to become aggravated like a bruise.
The pattern starts off not as bad -- You can almost just sweep it under the rug.
Over time it becomes more and more repetitive.
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One of you reaches out, uses more words, attempts to connect.
As you try and try, it's like your partner feels further and further from you.
They withdraw into their work or phone every night instead of investing in the relationship.
You can't keep trying to hold this weight all by yourself.
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Maybe you're the one who doesn't know what to do or say during emotional moments.
It's like when you try to talk, or take a chance by doing something...your efforts make it worse.
You know they are hurting and struggling, and it eats you up that you don't know how to make it better.
You can't go through another day or week of the same thing, so you learn to say nothing.
Something has to change.
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What's crazy is that these fights start with small sparks.
Scheduling, putting kids to bed, taking out the trash.
It is so defeated to have all of this distance and awkwardness from these little things that blow up.
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The most discouraging part is that you've tried really hard.
You've made sacrifices, used "I statements," read the books.
But in emotional moments all of this progress vanishes.
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You're starting to question if you and your partner can make it work.
Maybe it is time to settle and stop trying to fight for this closeness.
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Here's the thing: Even though it doesn't feel like it, there is a way to find each other again. You can do this without having to make all of these compromises or lying to yourself.
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The solution is beneath the fight.
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We all have these parts of ourselves that cry out for security and protection during these emotional moments. If we can just slow things down enough to allow these parts of ourselves to speak, it can change everything.
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"Can you just come home with us and speak in our ears during our fights?"
The first time I heard a partner ask me this during one of our sessions was years ago.
A lot of people can relate to the desire.
'If I could just have something or someone to guide me in those emotional moments!'
'Relationships should have come with a road map or instruction manual. I think I know what I'm doing, and then it gets worse.'
Honestly, they have a point.
I remember what it was like even in my own relationship to feel lost, desperate, and needing something to guide me.
Ironically, the more I have been trained to help couples form secure bonds, I've had to do my own work through the process.
I realized pretty quickly that there was no way to help others in their insecurity if I hadn't worked through my own.
So I brought the method that was taught to me to help couples in couples therapy home, and applied it to myself.
It's literally a straight forward method of understanding how my own insecurities show up, and what to do about it.
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There's SO Much Beneath the Fight
Most people don't want to think about the fights because they get chaotic, and reveal the parts of ourselves that we don't like.
Maybe you feel like you're just too much every time these emotional moments occur.
It's like your partner gets scared of you.
Maybe you feel defeated and helpless to be the partner they need.
It almost feels like they want to change every part of you.
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If you take a minute right now, and zoom outward on all of this...
All of these thoughts, pain points, emotions, and behaviors are actually our nervous system's way of making sense and responding to what is happening in the relationship.
It's like you have this chain reaction inside of you that results in you doing something, and the thing you do creates a chain reaction in them, and they do something, which creates more internal things in you...
This back and forth pattern is beneath every fight.
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Here's the good news: If even just one partner can look inward, slow this down, and take a deep look at their own chain reaction, then the relationship will change.
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A Relationship Workbook That Doesn't Let you Off the Hook
I'll be completely transparent here as a therapist:
Sometimes I'll be thinking in my head during session: "Man, I wish I could just make something for him or her to go through so they can accelerate their work. Then we could really get somewhere deep."
So I made it.
This workbook isn't a simple use "I statements" or "Count to Ten then try again" resource.
I don't allow either partner to be off of the hook.
No matter what your attachment style is, there's a way you can make this better.
No matter what your history is, there's a way you can make this better.
No matter how long you've put in the work, there's a way you can make this better.
This workbook is specifically designed to sit on your favorite device and be a go-to when that stupid conflict occurs again.
I wanted to create something that people could work through, and then during a conflict or post conflict be able to consult with and have a specific direction to go.
A resource that helps you put some words not just about why you're frustrated, but what your frustration is pushing for (and why this actually is important to you).
I am confident that if you actually put in the work and utilize this, not only will you know yourself better, but you might also help your partner know you better too.
If Your Relationship Changes, Everything Changes
We all deserve to be fully known and loved.
Many of us weren't given this opportunity when we were young and vulnerable.
So it makes sense that these deeper things about us aren't easy to communicate.
For a lot of us, it's a lot more comfortable to focus on what our partner can change than to look inward.
Or maybe it is more natural for you to not look at yourself or your partner.
In life you have found a place to put these deeper things, and you probably have gotten pretty good at it.
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I've seen couples who find more security and depth in their relationship.
They almost look taller physically.
They walk different, carry themselves differently.
You see life through a different lens.
Then one day it hit me: Not everyone can do Couples Therapy. Why should this security be limited to folks who can afford therapy?
This is why I've built Beneath the Fight workbook.
Everyone deserves the right to put in the work to make themselves and their relationship and more secure place to be.
Why Do This? What About Therapy?
Doing weekly therapy is very heavy if you have ever done it before.
Not only do you commit the time, but you commit your nervous system to working through heavy things again and again on top of normal life stressors.
The emotional and cognitive work you have the opportunity to do in this workbook would easily take the average person about 4-5 hours of therapy to complete.
For my practice, this is nearly equivalent of $900, and you don't have a clear roadmap in written form to take with you.
This self-paced, relationship education workbook can be ready for you to work through in bite sized moments.
Which is honestly one of the best way to do this emotional work any way.
As weird as it might feel at first, this might be the workbook you could pull out mid-conflict and ask your partner: "Hey so I have been working on how to express this in a better way so you can get me. I know it's weird, but can I try and show you this?"
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Great to Meet You, I'm Luke Jackson, LPC
I'm a licensed therapist, creator, creator, husband, and father.
I have the privilege of getting to sit with individuals and couples in some of their most painful times.
I truly wish relationships were more simple.
This is a big reason why I specialize in relationships in my therapy practice.
What I have found over time is that there aren't enough therapists out there to help people in need of relationship repair.
So as I've created daily content to help people with their relationships, I have found this to be even bigger than I realized.
People everywhere are truly fighting to have better relationships.
They do care. It's important to so many people.
It truly is a genuine passion of mine to break down the walls of giving more people access to quality relationship education material.
My content helps people learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy way, and to repair relationship ruptures so both partners can feel emotionally safe once again.
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Common FAQ's
What is the format of Beneath the Fight?
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Beneath the Fight is an interactive, online workbook that is self-paced. You can fill it out on your device, or print it out.
Is this different from therapy?
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Yes, this workbook is an educational resource; not a replacement or substitute for therapy. If you are in need of clinical support, contact a local therapist.
Do we both need to take this course?
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This workbook is designed for one partner to apply to themselves. Sometimes one person putting in the work to show up in a new way in the relationship makes a big difference! However, if both partners utilize this material then you'll have the potential for even more progress.
Why would I do this and not therapy?
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Sometimes therapy isn't feasible due to time and financial obligations. The insights and opportunities that can be opened up from engaging with the material in Beneath the Fight would likely take 4-5 hours of therapy (about $900!)
How long until this actually helps?
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It takes time to understand yourself this deeply, and it takes time to have a new way of communicating and showing up in the relationship to build enough trust that it'll stick around. That being said, for most folks if they consistently utilize these new methods of self-awareness and communication your relationship could begin to de-escalate in a matter of 2-4 weeks (depending on a few variables).
Does this guarantee that my relationship will change for the better?
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No, working through this workbook cannot guarantee outcomes in any relationship. It can create insights and opportunities that often do lead to change internally and in the relationship.
What if there is abuse or infidelity in our relationship?
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This course is designed for couples who are experiencing an emotional pattern involving insecurities, attachment styles, and defense mechanisms. If there is ongoing abuse, active affairs, or separation, it might be more helpful to seek support from a therapist first.
Is this workbook faith based?
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No, this workbook is based upon attachment science, mindfulness approaches, and evidence-based therapy practices. Anyone regardless of spiritual or cultural backgrounds can utilize this material.
What if my partner won't do this with me?
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The good news is that research shows that if one person changes how they interact in the relational pattern, then the system is inevitably impacted. Relationship changes are not dependent on both people being on the same motivation level initially.