Is Couples Counseling Actually Hard?

Reflections from a Couples Counselor who went to Couples Therapy for his own relationship

I often hear people say something within the lines of, 'Chef, would you eat this if you were the one dining here?'

Or to teachers: 'Would YOUR send your kid confidently to this school yourself?'

Maybe even with therapy-- 'If you needed therapy, would you go there yourself?'

For me, it is important that I do everything I ask my clients to do.

I recently attended a Marriage Conference with my wife, and it basically was 13 hours of couples therapy crammed into 1.5 days.

In full honesty-- it was hard.

We were wiped, and afterwards all we wanted to do was eat a bunch of carbs and turn our brains off for a bit (too bad we came home to three kids!)

That being said, each time I have the privilege to engage in the couples counseling or marriage therapy process, I walk away with new insights of how all of this works.

I don't know if it is comforting or discomforting for you to hear that your therapist attends marriage therapy and continues to learn about relationships-- for me, it is essential.

And yet, I won't lie: there were some surprising, and difficult parts.

I also know that where there was tension, difficulty, and 'gritting teeth through this conversation' is exactly where the support was needed.

So I wanted to write a few brief reflections about some of the more challenging aspects of our experience as a couple in couples counseling, and how these facets can actually provide relief to relationships.

#1: Talking about painful/tense things on purpose, when 'the waters were calm.'

This is tough for many of my couples in the couples counseling process as well.

I often hear, 'Well we were good until we came into your office today, now we have to go home with this.'

I agree, to dive into tension, pain, and frustration on purpose is hard.

It is almost counter intuitive. And yet, just like most humans, when we get our hand burned on the stove, we learn quickly to not get burned again.

When we have some kind of pain or raw spot hit in our relationships, we quickly learn ways to protect ourselves from feeling that way or getting stuck in that pain.

So many of us avoid it, or utilize some other 'less vulnerable or straight forward approach' (e.g. blame, criticism, fix-it).

Going through the process with my wife is often tough; it's one thing to know these concepts cognitively, it's another to share my pain (vulnerably, not just being critical) to my partner's face (especially when they are the ones who hurt me).

And yet-- the more that we avoid what makes us fearful/anxious, the more it grows.

The more we stop sharing our hurts, we often build resentment.

We begin to anticipate our partner's next move; almost hyper aware at times for them to 'do that thing again.'

When this happens-- closeness begins to erode. Emotional safety changes.

It's no longer easy to be playful, vulnerable, and open. Things become quiet, and slowly your relationship feels more like roommates.

So even though IT IS hard to open up painful things on purpose with your partner, addressing this very tension is where some healing can begin.

#2: Showing softer emotions to my partner was really tough at times.

For most of us, showing frustration, blame, and anger is a lot less risky than opening up about things that bring up fear or shame in us.

To look at my partner in the face, and to allow her to hear bits of my shame.

To look at my partner and vocalize what my inner critic tells me, and how painful it is.

To hear your partner say that they are afraid of driving you away.

To hear your partner say that they fear being too much, and many interactions unfortunately confirm their fear.

This is really hard.

As we shared these softer emotions, it was surprisingly hard for me to vocalize the words.

Again, as a couples therapist I literally talk about these things with my clients everyday.

But something is so unique about looking at my partner's face, into their eyes, and sharing my fears and shame.

Research shows that when couples can make eye contact and be there for each other with these softer emotions this can create what is called a corrective experience.

In other words, we can literally rewire our brains and bonds with our partner through moments like this.

#3: Being present with my partner's pain/perspective while mine was different.

It really is difficult when your partner describes the way their brain talks to themselves, or when they get hurt feelings from something that happened with no bad intentions.

Hearing my partner describe her triggers, emotions, meanings she takes on things... In my head I'm often thinking, 'Wow, I definitely don't think that way!'

In our moments of distress it does often become a tug of war between perspectives.

It's like our bodies/emotions are saying, "Validate my perspective!" "No, validate mine, see me!"

Most of the time, I have to put my pain/perspective to the side for a moment to hear where my partner is coming from.

Sure, there are times where I am truly fine and can offer support when she struggles.

It becomes a lot more complicated when I am the source of her hurt feelings, and then when she tries to talk about them, attempting to be curious and hear her from where she comes from.

This is the gritting teeth conversations that can happen in therapy.

Honestly, even saying: "I want to hear you right now, but I'm having a hard time." This is often better received than our usual moves to protect ourselves.

Even though this is challenging, when we can tell that our partners want to hear us, it can bring some relief and emotional safety that's needed in these conversations.

Conclusion

Overall, I know I'm certainly biased, but I have truly experienced the power of doing these 'hard things' on purpose to create more safety and security in my relationship.

If you are someone who has never done therapy before, or have tried couples counseling and it didn't work out... I totally get it.

Therapy is hard. Which makes sense.

If you'd like to reach out and ask questions or see how this process might be able to help you and your relationships, feel free to fill out a contact form and I'd love to see if couples counseling could be beneficial to you.