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How to Ask for What you Need

It is hard sometimes to ask your partner for what you need. 

Maybe you feel like you have asked…again, and again, but nothing changes. 

Or maybe things got better for a little while, but then it went right back to what it was. 

So then maybe it feels like the burden goes back all on you. 

You got back to this place mentally where the only way you can make sense of it is that they just.don’ 

It begins to hurt. 

And when it begins to hurt, it becomes more and more difficult to ask. 

In the majority of the couples I see, two different things happen next here: 

Sometimes the person who is hurting stops asking for what they need (this is often where resentment can begin to grow). 

Or in other times, maybe the person who is hurting is verbalizing what they need. BUT, the majority of the time these things come out in moments of tension, arguments, or frustration. 

It’s vulnerable to ask for what you need; and if we are in fear that our partner won’t catch us, it’s really really hard to know what to do here. 

And of course it can be frustrating; this is important! If this gets pushed under the rug again, it might feel so defeating.

If any of this resonates with you and your relationship, I first want to say this:

I see you.

I believe you that you’re giving this all you have and more.

I understand how hard of a place this is to be in. 

I hear you. This isn't what you signed up for.

Second, I want to give you a resource specifically designed to intervene here: Foreplay Radio is a Podcast done by a couples therapist and sex therapist.

They have some invaluable dialogue and skills to help couples become closer, especially around things in the bedroom. 

Linked here is an episode about exactly what this blog is talking about: “How to ask for what you need: In a way that increases connection.” 

This is only a tool to help you feel a bit more empowered to have these conversations. 

Using something like this would just be the beginning of some conversations you can have to begin to heal from these hurt places and moments. 

Like I always say, I hope you know that you don’t have to be alone as you walk through this. 

If you’re curious of how couples therapy could help you with this, feel free to reach out to me to set up a free 30 minute consultation and I’d be happy to walk you through this. 

Even if you’re not interested at this point in starting couples therapy, I hope you’ll begin to look into this podcast and other resources. 

These tools, conversations, and guidance can give life to your relationship in a powerful way. 

You deserve to be in a connected, meaningful, and safe relationship. 

Let me know if I can do anything to help you get there. 

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